Are you Ready to be CURLed-Up with a Boo?
#LOVEFEST WITH CURLS
Ladies, ladies, ladies!!!!
Everything you have ever wanted, you will find in this woman right here! Meet Deya Smith-Taylor also known as @DeyaDirect. She is the “Superpower Love & Life Strategist.” Deya joined us on our @CURLS Instagram Live Series to talk all things related to LOVE and it was EPIC!!! We started talking about societal expectations of love and relationships, moved to self-love and ended with what men and women want the MOST! Deya shut it all the way down. Check out a few of her responses to the following questions.
1. How have societal expectations of relationships changed in 2018?
Deya: I think there are a lot of people and women in particular who don’t base their success on being married or having kids. Then there are those that want to be in a relationship, but are not investing the time and energy into it, and that’s another thing…But, society does not put these pressures on people to get married anymore. Many like the idea of being married or being a parent, but not necessarily the work it entails. In 2018, people can bring in their own bacon and lifestyle, therefore they may not see marriage as a necessity. For those that do, you have to invest in yourself so that you are emotionally available. I recommend you clean out the clutter of the emotional trauma that you have experienced. There are a lot of really accomplished women with hard hearts because they don’t want to get hurt or they have been hurt before, so they don’t want to let anyone in. Hardness does not let anything in and nothing can come out. I do not think women have the societal pressure anymore, but if you do want to be in a relationship, you have to be honest with how you spend time, money and efforts. Just as much as you invest in your career, when it comes to a relationships, make sure you have a similar strategic intensity for being in a relationship.
2. What type of self love should someone have BEFORE getting CURLed-up with a boo???
Deya: My love story is complicated… What I realized in my own journey was the importance of self-love. I was former Miss Black USA, traveled the world empowering women, been a national producer for the Tom Joyner Morning Show and more. I have used my platform to talk about relationships and I have 3 books that help people learn to achieve the relationships they desire. First I want to say that ‘energy’ does not have a beginning or an end. Therefore, the energy you use at work, which is typically a masculine energy, you may bring home or to your relationships. So what will happen when your energy is just as masculine as the man in your life? What I provide are tools to help you tap into your soft power, and to generally diversify your communication portfolio. It’s called be savvy and very intentional.
When I wrote this book series, it came from me battling my own self-love. When I went down the aisle, it was because I was afraid to do life on my own and I was afraid to respond to the red flags I saw in my relationship. We all have seen them, but when you don’t want to be alone, you make compromising decisions based on your fear. People always told me how talented I was but I did not know it for myself. When it came time to make like decisions, like whether I would go to Hollywood with my classmates like Taraji P. Henson for example, or would I play it safe, I choose to play it safe. Sometimes playing it safe is the worst thing you can do. What does that have to do with self love? EVERYTHING! I knew that getting married was not the right thing for me to do and still, I chose everyone else and didn’t choose myself. A year later, it almost caused me my life by staying in that relationship. When he left me, after I almost died, it was a real eye opener. I put more investment in not wanting to disappoint other people, rather than following my spirit. And that’s a dangerous place.
3. What do men want most?
Deya: Brace yourself for this one? When I was producer for the Tom Joyner Morning Show, me and my girlfriends would talk about men all the time and I would do these interviews about relationships and the more I spoke to women, I realized that we were saying the same things to each other. Women like to affirm each other and sometimes we are not helping our friend, we just want to make her feel good. So I started asking men questions. I did interviews and created “The Man Whisperer.” This consisted of panel conversations with high profile men to everyday men. I used that title because I had to stop talking and start listening. The more I listened to what they were saying, the more I heard contradictions to what my girlfriends were saying. It was difficult to receive what they were saying, but a lot of the men were saying the same thing! So all of these women would come out to hear the men who would collectively agree on something, and the women would say,” that’s not true, I don’t believe that!”
Women often do not take the time to understand men. What men need the most is TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND SUPPORTED. That means it is our role to create a safe place from our mate. Men don’t get the same thing we give our girlfriends. Because they don’t get the support that we give our friends, we need to be that support to them. As the rib, it protects the major organs like the heart. As a women, your strength is the rib cage, this is a very powerful position that means you are the protector of his heart. You become the place that he comes to for emotional comfort. Men as the head, cover us spiritually, but do you create a safe space for this man in your life, to feel emotionally vulnerable and emotionally safe? Are you his safe place?
They also need support, which can be “deep” or as “simple” as him working on a project, and you want to spend time with him, and rather than having an attitude about it, you bring him water while he finishes his project. Support him in what he is doing. Show him that you support and honor his time and space. Men are looking for support and a safe emotional space for our mate. A lot of us because of how we are now with the effects of feminism which has left us messed up and confused, have as much masculine energy as the men. We don’t know how to transfer our energy. Type A personalities say things like,” I don’t have time for this.” Well, if you’re just as hard as yours dude all the time, what makes him want to come to you for something he doesn’t have? You have to check your energy which doesn’t mean you can’t be a boss, but you can’t be a boss all the same time. You need to learn how to be more than one thing. We need to diversity our emotional portfolio too. If you are hard all the time, you will break. This is why men will gravitate towards women who are not as accomplished as they are, because those women have embraced their femininity to attract a man. Many POWERHOUSE women have lost the art of softness, which is powerful and strong and is an asset, not a negative trait. We have to get back to our core. Yes, we can do all of these great things like graduate and start businesses, and still be feminine.
However, why work hard to accomplish and have no one to share it with? Life is real and there are tragedies that occur. At what point do you have someone who is a part of your legacy – who loves you when you are not all together, someone who will comfort you when your mama or grandaddy dies? Your girlfriend can’t be there with you all night long, or when you are battling the haters at the office.
I’m married and it is not easy, and I do not get it right all the time, and neither will you, but you have to invest in the tools.
4. What do women want most?
Deya: What women really want most, is to be protected. At the end of the day, most of us are hard, because we have to be, because life happened and you gotta do what you gotta do to handle business, but as a result it has made us hard because we have to survive. I believe women really want to be covered and protected. Women want someone to help them feel safe. All we want is a safe place for our heart. We want to be loved in such a way where we don’t have to be hard all the time, we do it because we have to, but it takes something out of you to always be on and take care of everyone else, so we also want someone who can help. After we do it all, it is exhausting. If we are honest, we just want to feel safe. When you feel safe, emotionally, it allows us to be softer. You can breathe a ‘lil more, you don’t have to be as hard all the time. You know someone has you and you can trust the person that you love. This empowers you in your soft power.
5. What is “soft power?”
Deya: This is actually an international, political term that has to do with ability to negotiate. If you look it up, it is how world leaders use communication to get what they want. Hard power means were going to war, soft power in political terms, means we negotiate. This communication tactic spends time understanding what is important to your adversary and uses the information to make deals. This takes understanding. The Bible says, ” In all thy getting, get an understating,” so be savvy about your approach. You cannot influence that which you cannot understand. Soft power gives the information you need to approach accordingly.
Soft power means – I don’t have to win every fight, as long as I won the war. Men can use soft power as well, it is not masculine or feminine. Ladies, let me give you some game, men use soft power more on women than women do to men. It’s an energy, an approach, a tool. Men listen, but women do not as much, because we do a lot of talking and we talk too much. We want to tell who hurt us, what happened, what we won’t stand for. Men don’t tell you that. They spend time learning you and then, they are savvy enough to do things you would like, so they can get what you want. Soft power is basically making people feel good about giving you what you want. You can only do that if you understand them.
6. Finally, are you ready to be CURLED- Up with a boo?
Deya: Here’s how to know if you’re ready- how is your closest? Is there room for anything in your closet or is it a hot mess? If you know you have a bunch of stuff in the closet or you have dishes in sink, you will have to rush and get it together, but it won’t be all the way right. So when they come in the house, you won’t be comfortable because there are things that need to be handled, things that need to be cleaned. Think of that analogy in the relational sense. What is going on in the closet of your heart that you need to deal with? If you don’t deal with the stuff you’ve been dealing with all the time, someone will come in, that you won’t have space for. Do the work now to clear out the clutter…
And just like that you are BRAND NEW!
Catch more of Deya Direct at www.deyadirect.net/personal-coaching and sign up for her amazing courses!
Stay tuned for more of @CURLS Instagram Live Sessions to empower your life. Click here to follow @CURLS on Social Media.